On Nursing

I had such a hard time nursing Ever that I was really nervous this time around. I heard all sorts of inspirational stories about people who couldn't nurse one kid but could nurse another, but I was pretty pessimistic. Jim said he just hoped I would give up more quickly this time. He didn't enjoy all the tears as I tried to figure things out with Ever for three months. So I thought I would try again but give up if it didn't come pretty quickly.

Right after Wren was born, I was in such bad shape (what with the delivery, surgery, and cold/sinus infection), and I was so traumatized by my nursing experience with Ever, that I wasn't really gung ho about nursing. It was really nice to pass her off to Jim and have him bottle-feed her. I did start trying to nurse in the hospital a little, and I think I started pumping a bit right off the bat, too.

Wren wouldn't open wide enough to make nursing comfortable, which was the same problem I had with Ever. In the end, I was all over the place - nursing when I felt up for it, pumping when I felt the let-down and thought I should get the milk out, bottle-feeding when I was too scared or sore to nurse or when I had pumped too recently.

I had three appointments with a lactation consultant in San Marcos, Michelle, after I got home. I loved Michelle. She reassured me that I was doing a good job, especially after all I had been through. She encouraged me not to kill myself - take a break and just pump for a couple days if I wanted to. She said Wren was "all suck, no manipulation," and she noticed that Wren had a high palate. She gave me some tips to try to help me get Wren to open up. Especially at my first appointment, Michelle gave me hope. She helped me get Wren latched, and we knew she was getting milk because we weighed her before and after a feeding. But then I got home, and I couldn't figure out a good place to nurse, and I couldn't get pillows set up properly, and I just struggled. I'd fight with Wren to get her to latch properly. She'd end up crying and crying in frustration, and I would get angry and frustrated, and I'd have to give up for the time being because how can you turn that into a successful nursing experience? So I'd follow the attempt with a bottle. I pumped 2-3 times a day on average. It seemed like a good idea to get my milk to the baby and to keep up my supply. Now I realize that the pumping may have made me more sore than I would have been if I'd been exclusively nursing. Because I was sore, I didn't want to nurse. But when I felt milk, I thought I should pump. I wanted to get that milk to the baby. And the lactation people act like pumping is painless - a welcome break from nursing. I don't think that's the case for me. I think pumping may have been my downfall.

For a month, Wren got mostly breast milk, but she took a good amount of it from a bottle. I was nursing and pumping and washing bottles (I was using the three special bottles I have that are supposed to be good for not interfering with breastfeeding) and pump gear all the time. There were a few times when Wren seemed to nurse pretty successfully. It was so wonderful when she wasn't really hurting me and I heard her gulping and making her happy little grunting sounds as she ate. That didn't happen very much, though. She started getting worse instead of better. At a follow-up appointment with Michelle, she noted that Wren was getting her tongue farther out, but her jaw was still super-tight. At the third appointment, Michelle said there wasn't really anything else she could do, and she referred me to someone in OT (occupational therapy) in case she had any other ideas for how to loosen up Wren's jaw. The OT department made me see a different lady than the one Michelle recommended, and I had an appointment with her the day Courtney arrived. I was immediately not a fan and knew it was going to be a waste of time. Her suggestions involved how to bottle-feed, what type of bottle to use, and what hold I should use when I nursed Wren. So not helpful. She did opine that Wren's troubles were largely caused by her relatively high palate. Wren gagged not infrequently if the bottle or breast wasn't placed in her mouth just so. Possibly palate-related, apparently, and it certainly didn't help matters.

When I saw Dr. Stucky for my follow-up appointment when Wren was four-and-a-half weeks old, I got choked up telling her that nursing was my biggest complaint. I said, "I don't know why I'm so emotional." She said, "Because society is so..." I finished: "Judgmental?" Yep. She said I gave the baby antibodies for the most critical time. Then as she was leaving at the end of the appointment, she said, "Give yourself permission to do what is best for you. You've done amazing for this baby." I so loved her, Michelle, and all the other people who were supportive and caring and tried to make me feel better.

The last two times I tried to nurse, Wren chomped down the instant I got her on. I realized there was no hope at that point. When I finally completely gave up with Ever, it was a relief. I didn't have that feeling with Wren. No relief; just sadness. I wondered if I could have figured it out with her if I had completely committed to nursing and had not pumped and bottle-fed so much. I see how nursing could be a wonderful bonding experience. I am angry that everyone (mostly) can do it, but I can't. I know many or even most women struggle, but they eventually make it work. I am devastated and humiliated about being a nursing failure. It will make me sad the rest of my life. If I hadn't been traumatized by my experience with Ever, maybe it would have gone differently. Maybe I could have committed and succeeded. It's so hard, though. I didn't want to let Wren nurse without being properly latched; I thought Ever got into the habit of latching incorrectly, and then I couldn't break her of it. But you can only fight with a starving baby for so long trying to get her to latch properly. I mean, she needs to be fed. If she's screaming, and you're crying and angry, it's pretty hopeless. So you use a bottle. And you use a bottle for night feedings because who wants to battle over proper latching in the middle of the night? But then she gets used to chomping down on a bottle, even if it's the special kind of bottle that's supposed to make her open up wider... And that's that.

It's weird how very sad I am about not nursing. It's not because of the health benefits of breast milk. Maybe I'm just being defensive, but I think people overstate those. Our society would have us believe that kids who are formula-fed will be dummies who are sick all the time. Ever is just fine. Wren is doing just fine so far, too. I think my devastation just comes from missing out on that bonding experience and being bitter that I can't do something everyone else can. I hate that I'm so sad about this thing that in the end isn't going to matter at all, but I am. Sad, sad, sad. That is all.