Pat's Run

Coco left on Tuesday, April 21, and we left for our annual Pat's Run trip to Arizona the following day. We rented a house in Avondale again. It was a really good deal, and the owner let us heat the pool as high as we wanted. That was key. Jim had it up to 92 degrees at one point. No water activities for me, as Dr. Stucky wanted me to wait another week until stitches dissolved. I was secretly glad Jim had to do pool duty, but I would have enjoyed the hot tub. Swimming was definitely the highlight of the trip for the kids. We had just bought Ever a swim vest (flotation thing), and she got comfortable enough to swim around alone. It appears I took no pictures of the house or pool.

In keeping with what has become tradition, on Thursday we had lunch with the Eagars at Chick Fil-A (Wade was Jim's mission companion) and an enjoyable but slightly rushed dinner at the Latteiers' (Mike was Jim's roommate during med school). The Eagars told us about Mesa Riverview Park, and we hit that between meal dates. The girlies were asleep when we got to the park. We left the car idling with the A/C on, and Jim and I also napped. We didn't end up with much time to play at the park, which was a bummer because it was amazing. Definitely the coolest park I've ever seen. Jim spotted Ever on the giant rope structure:

The Karners were at the house by the time we got back Thursday evening. This year it was Mel and Derrick and kids and Derrick's brother Chris's whole family, too.

Friday was mainly a pool day. I napped some. (Thank you, ear plugs!) We were up in the night with Wren, of course, seeing as how she was only four weeks old. I was tired. I was also still pumping a little as I wound down the milk supply. I would have liked to get out and do more, as in prior years when we did family runs in the morning, etc. Little babies make that tough.

We all went out to dinner at an Italian place Friday night. Ever and Alina entertained themselves during the long outing by shaking their heads back and forth really quickly. It looked like a fun game.

It was way too late, but we all went to the Mesa Riverview Park after dinner. Everybody enjoyed the park - except maybe Kara. Mel and I climbed to the top of the giant rope structure, and Kara cried because she was scared for Melanie. It's 50 feet tall, so it is a little freaky. I stole this pic of it from the Web:

Then we went to the little zip line. Kara cried because she was too scared to do it, although she eventually mustered up the courage. Jim and I watched another dad push his son at take-off as hard as he could. The kid was going so fast that the zip line stopped abruptly at the end of the line, and the seat flew up into the air. The kid almost hit the pole that was holding up the end of the line and barely managed to hang on. He fell off just after the seat came back down but didn't seem to mind. The dad looked a little sheepish. Shortly after that, Mel pushed Christian. She ran along side him, pushing him as she went. Jim said, "What is she doing?" right before she flung Christian as hard as she could at the very end. The line jerked to a stop, and Christian flew up into the air. Somehow he didn't collide with the pole, and he hung on really well, avoiding a bad fall. In fact, he thought it was great and wanted to do it again. Melanie, however, was mortified. Jim and I were so confused about why she did that, particularly after the other dad's display. Turns out she hadn't seen that. We all had a really good laugh. Chris Karner had his camera on Christian during the incident. I was devastated to learn he had just been taking pictures, as I was really hoping we had video footage. It was hilarious. All I got are these poor pics of Jim pushing Ever:

Saturday morning was the race. We intentionally go late now so we don't have to wait around so long till the stroller group. Ever and I before the race:

I promised Melanie that we Kringels would be walking, but Jim just can't help himself. He began running as soon as we started, forcing everyone else to run, too. It only took a matter of minutes for the road to get really crowded and for my knee to start hurting, so the running didn't last too long. I was pleased that besides my knee, I felt really good. Derrick and Jim pushing the double-wides:

Ever got out and ran a bit. She and Jim heading for the finish line:

I felt bad that Wren wasn't being featured in any pictures, so I took this of her in the stroller. The car seat piece that's supposed to hold her head up was missing and doesn't work anyway. Hence the rolled-up towel and blanket:

We went back down around the stadium to where the kids' race started. Jim, Christian, and Ever had a hug fest:

Wren got a brief break from the stroller:

The kids' race was really crowded, largely because there were way more adults accompanying kids than there were kids. We were as much to blame as anybody for that. Christian and Ever were our only racers; Kara bailed that morning and stayed home with her cousins. Mel, Derrick, Chris, Avery (Chris's daughter), Jim, and I all accompanied our two racers, and we had the babies (Alina and Wren) in our giant strollers.

When we crossed the start line, I said, "That's it! That's the start line! Let's go! Run!" Christian and Ever were just walking with Jim:

Then all of a sudden, Christian took off, and Ever followed. I wanted pictures of them running, but they were a blur. This is Ever running in front of Jim:

I was pushing our stroller with Wren. Pretty much right off the bat, people got in front of me, and I couldn't maneuver the giant stroller through the crowds to keep up. I was really bummed I didn't get to see Christian and Ever race. Jim said they ran pretty much the whole way (.42 mile). I was so glad Ever had Christian to motivate her. We hung out on the field afterward and took some pictures.

Derrick, Melanie, Chris, Avery, Alina, Christian (in stroller), Ever, and Jim

Family photo:

Wrenzo and watashi:

Wrenzo got some grub and cuddles:

Christian and Ever still had enough energy left to run some races on the grass. Ever:

Ever gave Wrenzo sweet lovin' . . .

. . . but Wren punched her in the nose anyway:

 The champion:

We went straight from the race to meet up with Kristen and Mike Brinton and keiki at Freddy's for delicious burgers and shakes/ice cream. The Brintons used to be in our ward but moved to Chandler (or somewhere in the vicinity) a year ago. Kristen was surprised when we walked in with a baby. We figured I must have found out I was pregnant right around when they left. Derrick made the arrangements for the meet-up. We were friendly with the Brintons but weren't super-close. It was fun to see them, though. Ever downed every last drop of her ice cream:

Saturday afternoon was more pool time, and then we enjoyed pizza leftovers and a steak dinner prepared by the Karners. We drove home Sunday. The girls were amazing in the car both ways. Wren mostly slept. Ever just sat quietly most of the time. It was a nice trip. 

On Nursing

I had such a hard time nursing Ever that I was really nervous this time around. I heard all sorts of inspirational stories about people who couldn't nurse one kid but could nurse another, but I was pretty pessimistic. Jim said he just hoped I would give up more quickly this time. He didn't enjoy all the tears as I tried to figure things out with Ever for three months. So I thought I would try again but give up if it didn't come pretty quickly.

Right after Wren was born, I was in such bad shape (what with the delivery, surgery, and cold/sinus infection), and I was so traumatized by my nursing experience with Ever, that I wasn't really gung ho about nursing. It was really nice to pass her off to Jim and have him bottle-feed her. I did start trying to nurse in the hospital a little, and I think I started pumping a bit right off the bat, too.

Wren wouldn't open wide enough to make nursing comfortable, which was the same problem I had with Ever. In the end, I was all over the place - nursing when I felt up for it, pumping when I felt the let-down and thought I should get the milk out, bottle-feeding when I was too scared or sore to nurse or when I had pumped too recently.

I had three appointments with a lactation consultant in San Marcos, Michelle, after I got home. I loved Michelle. She reassured me that I was doing a good job, especially after all I had been through. She encouraged me not to kill myself - take a break and just pump for a couple days if I wanted to. She said Wren was "all suck, no manipulation," and she noticed that Wren had a high palate. She gave me some tips to try to help me get Wren to open up. Especially at my first appointment, Michelle gave me hope. She helped me get Wren latched, and we knew she was getting milk because we weighed her before and after a feeding. But then I got home, and I couldn't figure out a good place to nurse, and I couldn't get pillows set up properly, and I just struggled. I'd fight with Wren to get her to latch properly. She'd end up crying and crying in frustration, and I would get angry and frustrated, and I'd have to give up for the time being because how can you turn that into a successful nursing experience? So I'd follow the attempt with a bottle. I pumped 2-3 times a day on average. It seemed like a good idea to get my milk to the baby and to keep up my supply. Now I realize that the pumping may have made me more sore than I would have been if I'd been exclusively nursing. Because I was sore, I didn't want to nurse. But when I felt milk, I thought I should pump. I wanted to get that milk to the baby. And the lactation people act like pumping is painless - a welcome break from nursing. I don't think that's the case for me. I think pumping may have been my downfall.

For a month, Wren got mostly breast milk, but she took a good amount of it from a bottle. I was nursing and pumping and washing bottles (I was using the three special bottles I have that are supposed to be good for not interfering with breastfeeding) and pump gear all the time. There were a few times when Wren seemed to nurse pretty successfully. It was so wonderful when she wasn't really hurting me and I heard her gulping and making her happy little grunting sounds as she ate. That didn't happen very much, though. She started getting worse instead of better. At a follow-up appointment with Michelle, she noted that Wren was getting her tongue farther out, but her jaw was still super-tight. At the third appointment, Michelle said there wasn't really anything else she could do, and she referred me to someone in OT (occupational therapy) in case she had any other ideas for how to loosen up Wren's jaw. The OT department made me see a different lady than the one Michelle recommended, and I had an appointment with her the day Courtney arrived. I was immediately not a fan and knew it was going to be a waste of time. Her suggestions involved how to bottle-feed, what type of bottle to use, and what hold I should use when I nursed Wren. So not helpful. She did opine that Wren's troubles were largely caused by her relatively high palate. Wren gagged not infrequently if the bottle or breast wasn't placed in her mouth just so. Possibly palate-related, apparently, and it certainly didn't help matters.

When I saw Dr. Stucky for my follow-up appointment when Wren was four-and-a-half weeks old, I got choked up telling her that nursing was my biggest complaint. I said, "I don't know why I'm so emotional." She said, "Because society is so..." I finished: "Judgmental?" Yep. She said I gave the baby antibodies for the most critical time. Then as she was leaving at the end of the appointment, she said, "Give yourself permission to do what is best for you. You've done amazing for this baby." I so loved her, Michelle, and all the other people who were supportive and caring and tried to make me feel better.

The last two times I tried to nurse, Wren chomped down the instant I got her on. I realized there was no hope at that point. When I finally completely gave up with Ever, it was a relief. I didn't have that feeling with Wren. No relief; just sadness. I wondered if I could have figured it out with her if I had completely committed to nursing and had not pumped and bottle-fed so much. I see how nursing could be a wonderful bonding experience. I am angry that everyone (mostly) can do it, but I can't. I know many or even most women struggle, but they eventually make it work. I am devastated and humiliated about being a nursing failure. It will make me sad the rest of my life. If I hadn't been traumatized by my experience with Ever, maybe it would have gone differently. Maybe I could have committed and succeeded. It's so hard, though. I didn't want to let Wren nurse without being properly latched; I thought Ever got into the habit of latching incorrectly, and then I couldn't break her of it. But you can only fight with a starving baby for so long trying to get her to latch properly. I mean, she needs to be fed. If she's screaming, and you're crying and angry, it's pretty hopeless. So you use a bottle. And you use a bottle for night feedings because who wants to battle over proper latching in the middle of the night? But then she gets used to chomping down on a bottle, even if it's the special kind of bottle that's supposed to make her open up wider... And that's that.

It's weird how very sad I am about not nursing. It's not because of the health benefits of breast milk. Maybe I'm just being defensive, but I think people overstate those. Our society would have us believe that kids who are formula-fed will be dummies who are sick all the time. Ever is just fine. Wren is doing just fine so far, too. I think my devastation just comes from missing out on that bonding experience and being bitter that I can't do something everyone else can. I hate that I'm so sad about this thing that in the end isn't going to matter at all, but I am. Sad, sad, sad. That is all.

Coco's Visit & Wren's Blessing

Bag Lady was already planning to come help with the baby, but when I tried to die in childbirth she became extra-anxious to assist. She decided to bump her flight up a few days so she'd get here earlier and have as much time as possible with us - 13 days. I knew she wanted to be put to work, so when she arrived I told her that her first task was to clean her own bathroom and make up her bed. I never got the bathroom or anything else cleaned after Mamo left. I would have felt a lot worse about that if Bags hadn't repeatedly and emphatically told me how much she wanted to help.

Bags was amazing. She was tireless. She needed to work on her final paper for her grad school class while she was here. I kept encouraging her to take time to work on it, but she put everything aside and did all she possibly could around here. She changed all the diapers, shopped for groceries, made all the food, cleaned, and took care of the kiddies so I could nap as much as possible. She could not have been more helpful. She's a chip off the Mamo block. I took advantage. In fact, I even had her double some of the recipes she made so that I could deliver the extra food to people in the ward who were sick or had also just had babies. They thought I was so nice. Sometimes I gave credit where credit was due.

Wren's first bath was hurriedly performed by Jim over the kitchen sink. Ever looked on:

I encouraged use of the newborn bathtub, but Jim just wanted to git 'er done. (In that first pic, he's trying to clean gunk out of her eye caused by a blocked tear duct.)

Later, Bags and I gave Wren her first real bath in the bathtub. She was amazing. Unlike Ever, who screamed the whole time during her early baths, Wren was very good and quiet. No crying.

Bags and I took lots of pictures of her sleeping (and stretching):

We introduced her to Gilmore Girls, but it was lost on her.

Best snuggler ever (note Bags's and my matching Friday Night Lights shirts):

One day Bags unswaddled Wrenzo and tried to get photos of her stretching. Wrenzo didn't really perform, but Bags got some nice pictures:

Ever has been all over Wrenzo since day 1. She adores her and is so sweet and gentle with her. She strokes her softly, calls her "sweetie," "sweetheart," and, for a time, "babe-uh" and "my baby," and gives her sweet kisses: 

Bags captioned this one "Whitney and her girls." I love that I have "girls," plural:

Once in a while, Wrenzo was awake:

Wren was born with a freakishly strong neck:

Pretty much the only time I got out of the house when Coco was here was for a trip to Target with her and the girls:

Cereal was a little on sale. We were running low, so I took the opportunity to stock up. The cart looked hilarious. Wish I had a picture of it.

Ever found things to do in our many hours at home, such as bookkeeping with her cash register and about 1,000 post-its:

Bag Lady took her on a couple of walks/bike rides:

On Saturday, April 18, Christian, Shandra, Tristan and Betsy drove down (they just moved to Ventura) to spend some time with us and to participate in Wren's blessing. Ever loved playing with the cousins. She and Betsy were very cute together.

Besides the family, we just invited the Karners and the Wilsons (Jeremy, Trish, Karen, and Carl) for the blessing. Trisha was out of town with the kids, so Jeremy came solo. Since we didn't want to have to deal with food prep, we decided to order pizza and just make a salad and dessert. We told everybody 5:00 P.M. We figured we'd start the blessing at 5:15, and we ordered pizza to be delivered at 5:30. We thought we had it figured out perfectly. Jim was about a minute into the blessing when the doorbell rang. I figured the Pizza Hut delivery guy would just keep ringing if we ignored it, so I started to go to the door. Bags stopped me and went to deal with him. I was so distracted, listening to Bags and the pizza guy, that I had a hard time listening to the rest of the blessing. It was pretty much a disaster. I was so bitter that we had calculated exactly when we wanted the pizzas delivered and ordered accordingly, and then he showed up at least 10 minutes early! Bags came back into the room, and we started discussing the disaster. She got teary talking about how sad she was that she'd missed the blessing. That made me realize that it was really sad, and I was really sad, and then I started crying. We talked to Mel and Shandra about what they remembered from the blessing, and later I talked to Jim about his experience and what he remembered, too. Here's the recap:

Jim blessed Wren that she will prepare to serve a mission and that she will be the type of person to go to the temple to be married to a righteous brother. He blessed her to study the scriptures. He blessed her that our home would be a haven and that Wren will recognize the difference between our home and the world outside. He blessed her that she will follow her sister's example and be a joy to us. Jim said that during the blessing he had the impression that she will be really spiritual, and he felt she'll be righteous. 

After we ate, we took a group photo courtesy of the timer on Bags's camera. Turns out the dress I wore was very unflattering.

Tristan leapt unto the coffee table in full-on silly mode for the second attempt, and Ever followed suit:

Bags took a few photos of the lady of the hour:

She wasn't a fan of the couch backdrop, so the photo session ended quickly:

We opened presents from Trisha and Dee and Shan. Everybody was so nice, and they gave us cute clothes for Wrenzo. Trisha also sent a "big sister" tool belt for Ever, complete with wipes, diapers, hand sanitizer, and goggles for those really big blow-outs. Pretty funny:

The Deetrixes stayed till Sunday midday. We gave Betsy her birthday presents early:

Tristan asked to hold Wren before they hit the road:

It was great to spend some time with the Deetrixes. We've spent so little time with them in recent years and are looking forward to seeing them more now that they are back in California. 

Bags left the following Wednesday, April 22. She was sick for the last portion of her trip and went a few days without holding Wrenzo.* She was excited to be back in business the Tuesday before she left. I was so grateful for all of Bag Lady's help. Jim decided that when she has a baby, he has to take a week off of work so he can care for our kids while I go to return the favor. I'm afraid I'm too lazy ever to be of as much service as Bags was, but I'll have to try. 

*For the record, "Wrenzo" is is the nickname we use most for the wee babe. Bags expanded it to "Lorenzo," which I had somehow not thought of. Jim also came up with "Rennifer." Sometimes it's "Wrenzo Lama" or "Lorenzo Lama" (after Lorenzo Lamas; I'm just not familiar enough with him to get it right), "Wrenny Pooh Bear," etc. So the nicknames are coming along.