Baby 3

Our third baby is due in about two and a half months (on July 1), so it's time I record a bit about how she (almost certainly a "she") came about.

When Wren was born, we had two embryos on ice. One was from the Wren batch of embryos on which we did genetic testing. It was decent quality and chromosomally normal. The other embryo was from an older batch that we didn't have tested, and it was borderline fair/poor quality. The medical professionals say that embryo quality doesn't necessarily tie to chromosomal normality, and pregnancies result from borderline-quality embryos not infrequently. With the seven embryos we tested, however, quality totally correlated to normality. Thus, we liked to hope the borderline could make it, but we pretty much counted it out. Our hope had been to have a third biological child with that last good embryo. When I was losing consciousness during the postpartum hemorrhaging and heard somebody say the word "hysterectomy," my mind went to that last good embryo, and I thought, "Surrogacy."

Trish and Jeremy Wilson came to visit us in the hospital after Wren was born. After they left, Jim and Jeremy were texting. I think somehow Jim mentioned surrogacy in jest. Jeremy responded instantly: "We would totally do that for you." Later, we learned that Trish had wanted to be a surrogate several years ago after Brody (their last kid) was born. I think the fact that her brother, Gavin, and his wife had fertility issues may have planted the surrogacy idea in Trisha's head, but I'm not sure. She had been working with a surrogacy agency and had collected medical records/family history, but she didn't move forward because she couldn't get on board with agreeing to terminate a pregnancy at the option of the parents.

Shortly after Wren was born, I talked to my Kaiser doctor about the possibility of surrogacy, and then we went into the fertility clinic to talk about the process. We had three-month-old Wren with us at that appointment. People probably thought we were crazy, but we wanted to proceed right away. We figured the surrogacy process would take a while, and if it didn't work and we decided to adopt, that could take forever. We had a nice visit with Dr. Friedman at the clinic. (She was recommended by my Kaiser doctor.) She said that from a medical perspective, Trisha would be a perfectly appropriate candidate. She recommended that we meet with a surrogacy agency in any event to get a handle on the whole process. We didn't know at that point if Trish would really want to do it anyway, and we didn't want to put any pressure on her at all.

When embryology does the genetic testing, they find out the gender since they're looking at the chromosomes. Originally we didn't want to know gender, so that info was covered up in our chart. On our way to the clinic for that appointment with Dr. Friedman, however, Jim and I had discussed whether we should find out the gender of our last good embryo. We thought maybe we would find out, which is weird given how into the surprise thing we are. I really, really, really believe in the surprise. But it seemed different this time, given everything that had happened and the fact that this would be our last realistic shot at a biological child. Also I was completely sure it was a boy. When I was pregnant with Wren, I was confident that whatever Wren was, the last embryo would be the opposite gender. Anyway, after our appointment we got out to the car before I remembered we hadn't asked about gender. I ran back in and inquired. Lisa, the embryologist, was fetched. When she told me it was a girl, I was pretty shocked. Turns out I'm not psychic.

After our appointment with Dr. Friedman, we met with a couple of surrogacy agencies and got a lot of information about what's involved, costs, timing, etc. It was very helpful. Both of the people we spoke with had been surrogates themselves, so they told us what it was like from that perspective.

Then we had a call with Jeremy and Trish and downloaded everything to them - the background of our embryos, what's involved with a frozen embryo transfer, what we learned about surrogacy. Jeremy and Trish were going out of town together that weekend, and they said they would think and pray about it and get back to us.

The next week, Trish called to tell us they felt good about it and wanted to do it. She had no reservations. The doctor's office recommended against transferring both of our frozen embryos because there was such a good chance that the genetically-tested embryo would take, and they really want to avoid multiples. We didn't want to discard the borderline-quality embryo, however, and it would make no sense to go through the expense and pain of a surrogate embryo transfer with a single, relatively crappy embryo. We wanted to use them both up. Trish had no problem with that and was not afraid of twins.

The embryo transfer was on October 14, 2015. When I walked into the room and saw Jeremy and Trish in their hospital gowns, caps, and booties, I got a bit emotional. The transfer went smoothly. The embryologist said the borderline embryo was looking more fair than poor after being thawed, so twins seemed a possibility. (But alas.) Trisha used her parents' timeshare in Carlsbad for the 48-hour bed rest so she could relax as much as possible. I gave Jeremy a lasagna to help with feeding the fam while Trish was on bed rest.

Then we waited. I always took home pregnancy tests, and they were always positive one week after the transfer. I told Trish that, and I assumed she'd take a home test. We kept hearing nothing from her, and we thought she was taking home tests that were negative and was too scared to tell us. It was agonizing. Ten days after the transfer, I finally broke down and asked her if she'd taken a home test. She said she'd been too scared to. The next day she texted and said she'd done the blood draw for the official test, which I thought wasn't happening for a few more days. Turns out she had told me the wrong date for the blood test while she was under the influence of Valium at the embryo transfer. (And I was kind of really annoyed because I knew for me, the blood tests had been earlier.) Anyway, the wait was excruciating since we were thinking the worst the whole time, but it came to an abrupt end, thank heavens. She was pregnant. I have to say, Jim and I were obviously super-happy to get the news, but it was when I called Bags that I got really emotional about it. Don't ask me why the most tender moment came with my sister instead of my husband. Trish was so relieved and happy. We were so relieved and happy. We would have been so devastated if it hadn't worked.

With the fear factor removed, Trish finally took the home pregnancy test she'd bought days before and sent me this picture:

She was really worried about telling her mom she was going to do this. She thought Pam would freak out. I'm not sure why. She and Jeremy debated not telling parents until after she was pregnant (assuming it worked) but ultimately decided they'd better do it beforehand. Trish said they started the conversation with her parents by saying something like, "You know what happened when Jimmy and Whitney had Wren." And her mom said, "You're going to be a surrogate." Apparently Pam remembered when Trish had talked about being a surrogate before. Trish said her mom thought it was great but was worried about her. Pam basically echoed that to me when I saw her at our church building one Sunday. She gave me a big hug and said how excited she was for us - concerned about Trish but excited for us. I said, "Well, this may all be for naught. It may not even work." Pam said something like, "If it's meant to be... And I kind of think it is."

Trish said Luke was the only one of their kids who had a hard time with the concept of her being a surrogate for us. He had to think about it for a while, and then he finally said, "Oh, like Jesus and Mary!" Uh, sort of? Cali babysat for us once when all of our YW had an activity, and when I drove her home I asked her what she thought when her parents first told her and whether she had heard of surrogacy before. She said, "Yeah - from Phoebe on Friends!" She thought it was cool. She said when her parents came home from visiting us at the hospital, her mom said, "I would totally be a surrogate for them."

There were some hiccups early on. Trisha's progesterone level was low for a while, so she had to continue the painful butt shots for extra weeks. She also had some bleeding a couple of different times in the first trimester. First it was attributed to a subchorionic hemorrhage, which apparently is pretty common. Her body was getting rid of old blood for a while. Then later she had more bleeding, and they discovered that the very tip of the placenta was down by her cervix. Again, this is apparently not cause for concern; the placenta usually moves up when the uterus and the baby grow. It was a little scary, though, and I started researching placenta previa. Everything has gone dandily since then, thank goodness, and the placenta was up in a good position by the time of the formal ultrasound just before week 19. Trish told me that any time she started to get scared about the bleeding, she had to remind herself that she has felt all along that she is meant to do this. From the beginning, she has never had a feeling that something's going to go wrong. I got choked up once when she was telling me that. I feel as if Heavenly Father prepared her to do this for us, and it's the most amazing thing.

On December 18, Jim and I received the sweetest text from her:  "I just wanted you both to know how grateful and excited I am to be your surrogate. Seeing your baby rocking out in my uterus and hearing the strong heartbeat makes me so happy for you! Love you guys and hope you have a warm, Merry Christmas with family. I'll take good care of your little one. I promise!"

Other than the bleeding, the pregnancy has gone well so far. Trish has felt good, besides being tired and very irritable during the first trimester. She would start feeling yuck and angry around 4:00 P.M. - right around when the kids were getting home from school. One afternoon, Gavin (their 17-year-old) had a friend over, and Trish wasn't feeling good. Gavin explained why in this manner: "My mom is having my dad's best friend's baby." His friend was shocked. "So what I'm hearing is, your parents are getting a divorce?"

The Wilsons are all having a lot of fun telling people about the pregnancy in uncomfortable ways. Apparently Jeremy likes to motion around Trisha's belly and say, "See all this? None of it is mine." Carl (Jeremy's dad) told his brother Trish is pregnant and then said, "But don't worry. It's not Jeremy's." We had Easter dinner at Karen and Carl's, and Carl thanked us for all the enjoyment they are getting out of this.

It's been interesting for me to share the news with people. For a variety of reasons, we chose not to tell people when we were doing IVF. The surrogacy brings up all that personal history, so it's been kind of weird. I held off for a long time, and then I finally decided I'd better start telling friends before this pregnancy came out on Facebook or something. I told a couple, and they were excited. Then I told one I'm not as close to, and I felt as if she didn't really grasp the amazingness of it. Trying to tell her about it when she didn't really understand the background or appreciate all of it sort of bummed me out. So I stopped telling people for a while. At this point, we're letting word spread and are telling people personally when it comes up naturally.

Speaking of telling people, Ever knew about the whole thing pretty much from the get-go. We told her we weren't going to talk about it with other people until we knew for sure the baby was really coming. One day I picked up Ever and Wren from JoAnn's, and JoAnn and I were talking about the recent birth of Deb Moffat's baby. Then JoAnn said something about how Ever had also told her about another baby. JoAnn wouldn't just come right out and tell me what Ever had said, so finally I was like, "You mean the baby we are expecting?" Apparently Ever had told her that we were having another baby and Auntie Trisha was having it, but JoAnn never really told me exactly what was said. I was so curious about that conversation, so I started asking Ever about it on the way home. I asked her if she thought we were telling people, and she said, "Yeah." Then, to cover herself, she said she had told JoAnn that we were having another baby but it wasn't for sure yet. I kept asking Ever exactly what she said, but it's hard to get a good answer out of her. As we were getting home, she started crying and asked me not to tell Daddy. I told her over and over that she wasn't in trouble, and it was fine that she had told JoAnn. But she became hysterical and kept pleading with me not to tell Daddy. I said, "Ever, I'm in charge, and if I tell you you're not in trouble, then you're not in trouble. I promise Daddy won't be mad. Let me tell Daddy so you can see that he's not mad." I could not talk her down. She was so upset. You'd think Jim beats her or something. It was crazy. When we got home, she went straight upstairs to her room. I told Jim the story, and he went up to tell her he was happy she had told JoAnn. Then all was well. Poor little thing! I don't know why she was so scared. I'm sure I freaked her out when I grilled her about her conversation with JoAnn, but I was just so curious!

After the JoAnn incident, we told Ever it was fine to talk about it. We were out of the first trimester, anyway. A couple weeks later, after church, Tricia Fisher, one of Ever's Primary teachers, asked Jim, "Are you teaching Ever medical terms? She knows the word 'uterus.'" Jim said, "Yeah, she probably knows that word because her mom doesn't have one." Turns out during class Ever had said she was going to have another sister, but someone else was having it for me because I don't have a uterus. Tricia didn't know anything about my prior delivery and didn't think Ever was serious.  (Side note: Around this time, Ever told me, "You almost died. And if you died, Daddy would make yucky food.")

Early on I was talking to Trish on the phone, and I think I said something about not getting to see the belly grow. She asked if I wanted bump pictures and said, "Tell me what you want, and I'll do it!" Since then she's sent me pictures every so often. This was the 14-week pic:

Right at 18 weeks, she felt the baby move for the first time. She also sent me this picture of her pants:

Twenty-two weeks:

And finally starting to look big at 26 weeks:

It's crazy that we are going to have another little babe so soon. We are thrilled and so grateful to Trisha for doing this for us. It will be amazing to be there for the delivery and be able to enjoy a newborn without having to be recovering myself. We are so lucky to have our little girls. I'm not sure how I'll survive the next couple years, but it's what we wanted. Now to get Wren to stop this night-waking nonsense because I will not survive if I have to get up with two babies!

Wren is One

This little sweetie turned one on March 21:

(Courtney got me on Instagram last month, and I'm learning how to crop/edit pictures and pick filters. It's pretty exciting. Credit to Insta for the above pic.)

Here's an update on Wrenzo:

Around 11 months, she finally did a little real crawling. It was pretty exciting. These days she crawls sometimes but still generally prefers to scoot. If she's in a hurry and not transporting anything, she'll use her arms and legs like this:

She can also get around on her bottom using just her legs and sometimes does a sort of jumping scoot. This is very useful when she wants to carry around a doll or something. She is really cute about holding her dolls or stuffed animals, and she can scoot around nicely without having to let them go. 

Also around 11 months, she started to pull to stand quite a bit. These days she's getting a lot more stable, and she finally seems interested in walking someday. She turned the laundry basket into a walker one day:

Jim sent me this one on Tuesday. It's poor quality but cute - until she eats it:

She makes some good sounds but doesn't say any words yet. (Update: right after I posted this, she started pointing at Jim and saying "dada." She did it multiple times. Seems like she's getting there.)

She still adores her sister. I love seeing them playing or laughing together.

Her hair has some adorable curl in the back.

She still loves baths (and water generally).

At one point, she was a really good baby food-eater. She would eat three containers of Gerber baby food in one sitting sometimes. I didn't give her much table food for the longest time because she choked on everything - even the stage-three baby food the doctor recommended. Then she got less and less interested in baby food and now refuses it altogether. The really awful news is that although she is now capable of eating some table food, she generally refuses it, too. She has started waking up at night crying - I believe because she is hungry. She should be on table food and whole milk now. We can't figure out how to feed her, though, and I have continued to give her some formula so she gets that nutrition. It's incredibly frustrating, and I'm sort of at a loss. She'll eat some bread, some cereal, Puffs, some yogurt, banana sometimes. Even when she eats, though, she doesn't eat much before she starts spitting it out and/or throwing it. Baby feeding is the worst.

On Tuesday when I was coming home from work, Jim sent me this series of photos with a text that said something like, "Wren loves the pasta you made. Not!":

At her one-year appointment, she weighed in at 18 lbs, 5 oz. That was around the 26th percentile. For height, she was in about the 66th percentile. Given her current eating habits, her weight will probably plummet.

We went to dinner at Gary and Jane Oddou's house with the Karner/Oddou clan the day before Wren's birthday. It was a St. Patty's Day dinner/birthday dinner for Jane, who happens to share Wren's birthday. Susan made a delicious chocolate mousse cake for dessert, and they put candles on one side for Jane (a "60" candle with a single candle in front of the "0" because she was turning 61) and a candle on the other side for Wren. Ever (acting on Wren's behalf) and Jane simultaneously blew out the candles after we sang "Happy Birthday." I didn't get a picture of any of that, unfortunately. Then on her real birthday, Wren (with a lot of help from Ever) opened a few presents. I have to say, she is not the best gift-opener. Good thing Ever was eager to help.

We had a round 2 of opening when Coco's gift was delivered:

Wren and Ever have enjoyed the little circus tent Coco gave them for Christmas. Once Ever and I were in the kitchen, and Wren scooted into the playroom and into the tent. When we found her, she was playing with the cash register in there and had a mouthful of play coins. Oops.

I took this one as she was scooting out of the tent (notice the tongue):

At one point, the girls emptied Wren's entire toy box into the tent and moved a few other larger items in there, as well:

Wren is still quite good at playing by herself in the playroom, too, which I appreciate.

Sisters (and Wren with the scrunch-face smile):

On a shopping trip to Target, I had Wren sitting in the front (or is it the back?), legs through the holes, belted in like a normal baby. Ever was in the big compartment with our purchases. Eventually they ended up like this:

For some reason I always find Wren adorable when she's eating (well, back when she used to eat), so I have a lot of pictures of her in her high chair.  (Notice the little curls popping out on the right side of her head/left side of the pic.)

We sure love our bear!

Ventura

We got back from Florida on Wednesday, March 9. The following day, I headed up to Ventura with the girls to visit Dee and Shan (new baby Gunnar arrived in February) while Courtney was also visiting from D.C. I had hoped to do laundry, unpack, and repack Wednesday afternoon/evening so I'd be ready to leave right after a doctor's appointment Thursday morning. I wasn't as productive Wednesday as I'd hoped, so we didn't leave for Ventura until Thursday afternoon. That meant we hit some traffic. We also very nearly missed getting into a car accident. My biggest complaint about Big Blue is the brakes. You have to hit them hard and for a long time to stop that giant mobile. On the freeway, the traffic in front of us suddenly stopped. I slammed on the brakes but didn't slam them quite as hard as I could have because while I didn't want to rear-end the people in front of us, I also didn't want to get rear-ended. There was some brake-squealing and some swerving, and I became 100% confident that we were going to hit the car(s) in front of us and have a big accident. Miraculously, that didn't happen, and I was so grateful.

We arrived just in time for a delicious taco dinner. (Really possibly the best homemade tacos.) Ever was a little shy at first, but before we knew it she and Betsy were playing dress-up and acting like long-lost best friends. While Betsy is certainly bigger, her position in the foreground of this picture makes her look like a giant compared to Ever:

Betsy skipped a school activity Friday morning, so she had all day with Ever. It was rainy (hooray for rain!), and we were very lazy and just hung out in our jammies all day. Well, the girls hung out in princess dresses while Coco and I hung out in our jammies.

Shandra had an appointment, so Court and I were in charge of the girls for a while. Mostly Court and I just sat and talked while Betsy pulled out various activities from their craft corner, and she and Ever entertained themselves. It was lovely.

After crafting, there occurred some funny little game involving the carrying around of their chairs. I couldn't get a good picture because of all the movement, but it was cute: 

Meanwhile, Wrenzy showed Coco her silly new scrunch-face smile:

And Gunnar stretched it out:

We enjoyed pizza for dinner, and then the big people watched a show after the little people went to bed. We did that every night, and every night I couldn't stay awake. We never managed to get the little people to bed very early, and I was always so tired.

Dee and Cwon went on a doughnut run Saturday morning:

We went out past Ojai to do a little one-mile hike to a waterfall. Perfect weather and a lovely spot. 

Ever posed by the waterfall while Coco adjusted her camera settings. Someday Ever will grow into these shoes Jim bought for her:

Betsy is my favorite in this kiddie group shot. She looks like the victim of a really bad Botox job/eyebrow lift:

Cuties:

The waterfall:

After the kids posed, it was family photo time:

Ever stood in for Dustin:

We hung out near the waterfall for a while and let the kids explore. I tried not to hover or worry too much about Ever's falling and getting hurt. It's hard.

Tristan scaled this slippery, steep hill:

Ever had to follow:

Eventually she got stuck and started crying, and Coco went to rescue her. Rather than come down, she wanted Coco to help her go higher. 

The walk takes you through a campground that I'd really like to stay at sometime:

As we headed back toward Ojai, we went through this lovely little area with hills and lots of green. We pulled off to photocize, but I don't think we were really able to capture it:

Once in Ojai, we drove around for a while looking for a parking spot and then went to a really fun park and let the big kids have at it. During the walk to the park, Wrenzo tried to escape from Coco:

Gunnar and Wren relaxed in their strollers:

Ever spent almost the whole time we were at the park on this giant spinning thing:

Deetrix and Courtney went to pick us up some highly-recommended burgers from a deli in the back of a grocery store. They were HUGE:

Tristan did his best:

While we rounded up the bigger kids to head home, we kept Wrenzo happy by giving her a water bottle. How mischievous does she look in the first pic?:

Back to the car we went:

While we were lingering by the Deetrixes' car, Dee said he saw the actor who played the friend in 500 Days of Summer. Dee said the guy was wearing a jean jacket, was with a tall, blonde girlfriend, and had just gone into the store on the corner - if Coco and I wanted to keep an eye out for him as we walked to our car. Sure enough, the actor and his lady friend were conversing just outside the door of a boutique at the end of that block as Coco and I went by with the girls. I tried to get a decent look without appearing to stare. It was this guy from Criminal Minds (I don't know how Dee remembers him from 500 Days of Summer):

Coco was looking in the same direction, so I assumed she was also trying to stare discreetly. After we passed, I said something about how it was the Criminal Minds guy. Turns out Coco hadn't heard Christian's description of him, didn't realize who he was, and wasn't looking at him. She was upset about missing him, so I loaded up the car while she went back to get a quick looksy. It's been a long time since my L.A. days of celeb sightings, so it was kind of fun.

Back at the ranch, Tristan played with Wren before bed. She loved it. They reminded me of Brad Pitt in Legends of the Fall, when he becomes a bear man:

I had planned to head back to Oceanside straightaway Sunday morning to avoid traffic. Predictably, however, it took me a while to get packed and out. Ever, Betsy, and Tristan rode on their scooters outside while I packed up. Ever hit a lip in the sidewalk and took a tumble, getting a couple decent scrapes in the process. Betsy shared her Frozen Band-Aids, so Ever recovered pretty quickly. We said our goodbyes and headed out. 

The drive home was relatively uneventful. I thought I should stop and see my friend Peta-Gay (from law school) in L.A. since we drove right by her place, but I didn't coordinate with her early enough. She returned my call right after we'd gotten back on the road following a pit stop off her freeway exit. I ended up just catching up with her by phone as I drove. Next time I'll have to coordinate better so I can see her. 

'Twas lovely to see everyone. I'd love to get up there again before long to see the Deetrixes and maybe camp at that sweet campground near Ojai.

P.S. Inspired by Winnie the Pooh, Wren has become "Bear," while Ever remains my "Goose." I constantly call Wren "Bear," "Bear-Bear," "Pooh Bear," "Sweet Bear," etc. It was really confusing when we were in Ventura because Betsy has always been "Betsy Bear" and other such nicknames. I was concerned that the Deetrixes were annoyed I had stolen their name, but it's really all Winnie's fault.